I can't handle my life right now

There is so much we take for granted, and one of the biggest things is our ability to do things. And by that, I mean, our health.

How thankful we should be everyday that we can get up in the morning, use our hands and feet, and legs. To have energy and vision to drive and work and play. The use of fingers to chop up vegetables, to cook and to be able to eat on our own. To bathe. And not just for ourselves, but to help others around us.

Me, I've been a lonesome dove these last 4 weeks. And I can say with honesty that they have been the most brutal and painful days in my life.

When I broke up with my ex, I felt sick, I was anxious and I stayed up all hours of the morning smoking cigarettes and crying. I still went to work, sometimes with tears and felt sorry for myself all day long. I couldn't eat. But I kept busy, and I kept going. I helped others and forgot about myself.

Being pregnant is a whole other story. The onslaught of discomfort is not of your choosing. You can't eat simply because you want to throw it right up. Things smell bad all the time, and I cannot even look at the inside of my fridge without my insides wanting to come out. I have to wake up at 5am to make meals for my little girl, and there have been a few days in the last 4 weeks that I have sent her to the sitters with a frozen meat pie. That is something my non-motherly husband would do. But not me! And my house? It looks like a bomb went off and toys went spewing. Of course, it is only hurricane Ava! Who just cannot seem to put toys away by herself. I am helpless on the sofa because I am so completely exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open. Even in my hardcore partying days, I could manage the strength and power to keep things tidy.

But these days, it seems I can't get enough sleep. Even when I take a 4 hour nap, I can still sleep at 9pm... and still be tired when I wake up.

My patience is thin with the little one, and unfortunately, I couldn't seem to soothe Ava last night when she woke up with nightmares. When I called for my husband to do it, he gave me excuses instead as to why it was happening. Just take her, I'm tired. I'm tired too, he retorted. But YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT LIKE ME is what I wanted to scream in his face. Plus my blood pressure is very low, and I'm anemic. Why do I need to even explain? why, why, WHY??

So I finally was able to sleep in peace, but mommy guilt came up to keep me awake, of course... but sheer exhaustion kept me from regular pregnancy insomnia.

That being said, I would go through this 100 times if it meant that the baby was healthy and safe. I know that there are some sacrifices in life, and this is one of them. And after it is all said and done, I will do it again (God willing).

I wish my mom was here. She takes care of me like only a mom can. Food,

I can't WAIT till I have energy again, to feel better, to give a shit about everything, including my appearance, the house, my relationship with people, etc. Because right now, I don't give a crap about anything except - getting rest.

I want to be a good person, but right now, I am completely incapable.

I be tired

And still pukey.

Not much to say these days. I'm pretty sad and upset, but just trying to get by. I can barely put dishes in the dishwasher. And I desperately need to sleep about 10 - 12 hours a day.

It is not fun.

All I care about right now

is my girl.

I miss her so much when I'm at work.

I am offically Effed

I have never felt so confused, sad, weird, mad, angry, hungry, selfish, sleepy, tired, exhausted, grumpy, barfy, dizzy in my life. Seriously, I feel like a freak - and totally not myself.

I got a new haircut, that I realized, I have to upkeep! This realization was made when I was already out the door, in the car and halfway to work. Great....

I'm wearing maternity clothes full time now. None of this pretend I'm not pregnant shit... I'm pregnant, hormonal and fat!

I'm going to take tomorrow off, as I have a midwife appointment in the middle of the day. I guess that means I should get my shit together.

I'm craving empanada's like you wouldn't believe... but I won't make them myself. It's all very intense and all very very sad.

I feel like I'm the only crazy unreasonable bitch in the world today. And the fucked up thing is - I don't even care.

Double Sigh.

I go from being intensely hungry to being intensely nauseous.

I've been eating a lot - so I'm quite fat. I've probably gained about 10 pounds!

These days, all I want to stomach is fruit (mango), vegetables (greens and cucumbers) and rice with chinese curry sauce.

I'm also super tired.

Sigh.

My mom visits in a little over a week, and I have an entire house to clean.

Double sigh.

At least I watched a couple of movies this weekend. They were good.

The Second Time Around

Everything smells icky. Everything looks icky. Everything bothers me.

I hate the smell of my new shoes. The new leather is gross.

I'm constantly hungry, but want to eat nothing.

Meat is disgusting.

I remember this feeling. It was not fun. It is not fun.

I'm so exhausted and tired, I need to rest, I need a nap.

Damn the shoes smell horrendous. The fridge makes me want to die when I open it.

It is not a happy time.

First trimester, please be over soon!

I Believe in Love

Love is the foundation that everything else is built on. It is what keeps us together, fight after fight, misunderstanding after misunderstanding, hurt after hurt. It is the forgiveness that is given when we have wronged. It is the tears, the pain, the heartache. It is what makes you drop to your knees, stop breathing, and stops your heart.

We look at love as a beautiful thing. And it is. But it's beauty is not only those of wildflowers. It is not just passion and physical attraction. It is not just the ease of fitting two hands together. It isn't just in the smile that automatically comes when a name is mentioned, or a sigh when a memory is evoked. It is not just the wonderment of the new or the electrical excitement of the beginning. It is not just hearts and blood and sweat. It is so much more.

We place so much pressure on love - to evoke only happiness. To only cause joy. But to understand, experience and take true pleasure in that joy of love - you must, must, must feel the brutal pain of love. Your heart must break, or almost break. Because sometime the joy is so intense, it hurts. And it isn't until you can feel TRUE loss of someone, that you truly understand what love is. When people say they would lay down their life for love - it is not just words. There is truth in that.

And so, everytime I fight, everytime I get exasperated in frustration, everytime we fail to understand each other, and I want to rip out my eyeballs I say "THIS... THIS IS LOVE! And I hold onto that feeling and I remember what it means to love. Cherish the bad times, because when you finally get to a place where you truly understand each other - and you are on the easy side of love - remember what it took to get there. The road is long and winding, sometimes dark and sometimes you even feel alone. But the journey, the adventure, the rollercoaster that you are on - is what is the most important. You already have your prize... you just haven't figured out how to enjoy it.

I believe in love. I believe in him. And I believe in us.

Food

{HI FREDA}

There is no denying it... I love food. The best food is made from my mother's hands. Sweet fatty pork belly, fresh water cress soup, beef brisket curry... mmm... her fatty pork is so soft and tender, with a hint of chewiness - that only time and careful monitoring can create.

Cooking, is science. It's less of a mystery if you can break it down into proteins and fats, and how they react to heat. I love being around the prickly heat of a hot pan with fresh oil, then loaded with garlic. I love watching sugar turn into a black color when being prepared for a sauce. I love the scent of baked chicken, the skin crisping under the hot broiler.

I've been spoiled. My mom is a fantastic cook. I've been brought up to eat the best of the best. Freshest ingredients, and a 4-5 course meal every day. Soup that had been simmered all day, and crisp green vegetables so appetizing that even a child could not say no.

What I've learned about cooking, is that the science can only take you so far. How do you measure a pinch, a bit, a dusting? How do you describe taste, flavour, the look? The more you cook, the more adept you become and 'feeling'... and feeling is what I do best. I love making a soup, and adding salt and doing a taste and tasting perfection. I love eating it the next day, and being reminded just how good it is. I love knowing that... I'm getting better, and am getting to understand just what a pinch, a bit and a dusting actually means.

I love food, and our relationship continues to grow stronger. Now I'm off to devour my fatty pork. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Happy birthday!

It is my sister's birthday tomorrow... she'll be 26! I'll enjoy the next 2 months that we're only TWO years apart instead of three. Tee hee.

My sister is more than anyone could ever ask for, from a sister. She is the ever calm stream of reality, realistic and sure. She doesn't start shit, but will throw down in a second if I am in harm's way. She loves and cares for my child as if it is her own, and often reminds me, the mom on what to do.

She is a gracious spirit, always there when I need her, and even when I don't think I need her. She's been there, ever since my mom brought her home in a pink fluffy package (I promptly slapped her though - and probably got a slapping of my own).

She's been my forever playmate - getting into trouble with me - getting out of trouble for me. She never told on me growing up - she'd call me when my parents were looking for me - and warn me of danger. She knows my moods, and always helps me, even when she's feeling less than stellar. Who else could watch me struggle through labour, fail, and still be proud (okay, maybe my husband - but we're not talking about him here).

Everyone loves her, because she is a super spirit. And I am lucky to have her in my life. So lucky. Wherever life takes me, no matter who I become, I will always be the older sister of K. And she the younger sister of me. In this way, I am grounded to the earth - reminded of where I came from, and appreciate the journey, no matter how difficult it has been. I know that life will always be managable, happy and amazing because she is with me. On the rollercoaster of life - I am fortunate, so fortunate - to have someone cheer me on, hold my hand through the high/scary parts, and cry with me through the low - and laugh with me when we look at the photos afterwards.

Happy birthday lovely girl - I love you.

Learning How To Communicate

My sister and I can communicate so well, sometimes, few words need to be spoken to be understood. She knows me, my emotions and is so intimate with my ways - that she can tell when there is a HINT of anything bothering me. Mind you, she's known me for 25 years.

My girlfriends, whom I haven't known for nearly that long, and definitely less time than my husband totally get me. We don't argue, because even when we disagree, it is totally civil, and more of a debate.

For me, it is soooooooooooooooooo easy to communicate with girls. Boys... that is a whole other thing.

My husband, frustrates me to no end when it comes to communicating. I often say we don't speak the same language because we fail to understand each other. I fail to understand the words that come out of his mouth too. Sometimes, we are even agreeing and we don't even know it.

And it's not just my husband, it's other men also. Men at work - their words tend to be vague, like they're fishing for an answer.

It just doesn't come easy... and I'm certain that they feel the same way about me. For instance, I usually wear skirts and dresses to work. We have no dress code - and most people wear jeans daily. I decided to go comfortable today, and a manager asked me why I was dressed so casually. I said... I'm a woman, so it's my perogative. He waxed on about how women have to dress for their job, yada yada yada... I was past offended...

But I digress, I've learned a lot. With my husband, I've learned what he needs from a conversation to fully understand. I have to ask questions and then confirm what I've heard... it's a bit tedious, and I find I have to be quite strict, but it works. We both want to be in control of the situation - and he wants to end the fight and I want to win it - neither are condusive to solving the issue.

At work, I have to remain calm and professional at all times. No matter how hot the fire is burning inside of me, I have to keep cool. I'm a fan of the line "fake it until you make it" and I have to fake fake fake it sometimes. I have threatened to beat people up before, and it has only been half jest. In being calm, and opening my ears, I take on more than just the words are being spoken. I watch the body language, the facial expression - and combined with the tone of voice, I can usually deduce what is going on. With one particular fellow, I figured out that he was overly aggressive in the way he spoke to me, because he felt completely impotent and uncertain of what was going on. He pressed me for answers to questions he did not now how to formulate and his frustrations came out as bitterness. But, my understanding nature, has eased that transition... he's still an ass, but I can tolerate/deal.

Learning to communicate means so much more than just talking. It means taking in the entire picture, it means understanding and above all, it means thinking about where the other person is coming from. My little girl is easily frustrated and I have to constantly remind myself to get down to her level and see what it is that she is frustrated about. When you do - you are looking at the world through her eyes, and it is an eye opener.

A New Blog

I'm starting a new blog on blogger, because it is not blocked by the work filter, like my xanga. I haven't been blogging as much, even though I have so much to do/say - because by the time I get home and am able to blog, the words have escaped me!

I do love xanga and all of my friends there... and I'll still be linked, and I'll still check up on everyone, but not with the obsession like before. I guess we all have to go on with living normal lives sometimes, and I guess, I am now living mine.

My protected posts will still remain with xanga, but herein lies the life of me... My name is Mommy!