Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I am offically Effed

I have never felt so confused, sad, weird, mad, angry, hungry, selfish, sleepy, tired, exhausted, grumpy, barfy, dizzy in my life. Seriously, I feel like a freak - and totally not myself.

I got a new haircut, that I realized, I have to upkeep! This realization was made when I was already out the door, in the car and halfway to work. Great....

I'm wearing maternity clothes full time now. None of this pretend I'm not pregnant shit... I'm pregnant, hormonal and fat!

I'm going to take tomorrow off, as I have a midwife appointment in the middle of the day. I guess that means I should get my shit together.

I'm craving empanada's like you wouldn't believe... but I won't make them myself. It's all very intense and all very very sad.

I feel like I'm the only crazy unreasonable bitch in the world today. And the fucked up thing is - I don't even care.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Double Sigh.

I go from being intensely hungry to being intensely nauseous.

I've been eating a lot - so I'm quite fat. I've probably gained about 10 pounds!

These days, all I want to stomach is fruit (mango), vegetables (greens and cucumbers) and rice with chinese curry sauce.

I'm also super tired.


My mom visits in a little over a week, and I have an entire house to clean.

Double sigh.

At least I watched a couple of movies this weekend. They were good.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Second Time Around

Everything smells icky. Everything looks icky. Everything bothers me.

I hate the smell of my new shoes. The new leather is gross.

I'm constantly hungry, but want to eat nothing.

Meat is disgusting.

I remember this feeling. It was not fun. It is not fun.

I'm so exhausted and tired, I need to rest, I need a nap.

Damn the shoes smell horrendous. The fridge makes me want to die when I open it.

It is not a happy time.

First trimester, please be over soon!

Friday, May 02, 2008

I Believe in Love

Love is the foundation that everything else is built on. It is what keeps us together, fight after fight, misunderstanding after misunderstanding, hurt after hurt. It is the forgiveness that is given when we have wronged. It is the tears, the pain, the heartache. It is what makes you drop to your knees, stop breathing, and stops your heart.

We look at love as a beautiful thing. And it is. But it's beauty is not only those of wildflowers. It is not just passion and physical attraction. It is not just the ease of fitting two hands together. It isn't just in the smile that automatically comes when a name is mentioned, or a sigh when a memory is evoked. It is not just the wonderment of the new or the electrical excitement of the beginning. It is not just hearts and blood and sweat. It is so much more.

We place so much pressure on love - to evoke only happiness. To only cause joy. But to understand, experience and take true pleasure in that joy of love - you must, must, must feel the brutal pain of love. Your heart must break, or almost break. Because sometime the joy is so intense, it hurts. And it isn't until you can feel TRUE loss of someone, that you truly understand what love is. When people say they would lay down their life for love - it is not just words. There is truth in that.

And so, everytime I fight, everytime I get exasperated in frustration, everytime we fail to understand each other, and I want to rip out my eyeballs I say "THIS... THIS IS LOVE! And I hold onto that feeling and I remember what it means to love. Cherish the bad times, because when you finally get to a place where you truly understand each other - and you are on the easy side of love - remember what it took to get there. The road is long and winding, sometimes dark and sometimes you even feel alone. But the journey, the adventure, the rollercoaster that you are on - is what is the most important. You already have your prize... you just haven't figured out how to enjoy it.

I believe in love. I believe in him. And I believe in us.

Thursday, May 01, 2008



There is no denying it... I love food. The best food is made from my mother's hands. Sweet fatty pork belly, fresh water cress soup, beef brisket curry... mmm... her fatty pork is so soft and tender, with a hint of chewiness - that only time and careful monitoring can create.

Cooking, is science. It's less of a mystery if you can break it down into proteins and fats, and how they react to heat. I love being around the prickly heat of a hot pan with fresh oil, then loaded with garlic. I love watching sugar turn into a black color when being prepared for a sauce. I love the scent of baked chicken, the skin crisping under the hot broiler.

I've been spoiled. My mom is a fantastic cook. I've been brought up to eat the best of the best. Freshest ingredients, and a 4-5 course meal every day. Soup that had been simmered all day, and crisp green vegetables so appetizing that even a child could not say no.

What I've learned about cooking, is that the science can only take you so far. How do you measure a pinch, a bit, a dusting? How do you describe taste, flavour, the look? The more you cook, the more adept you become and 'feeling'... and feeling is what I do best. I love making a soup, and adding salt and doing a taste and tasting perfection. I love eating it the next day, and being reminded just how good it is. I love knowing that... I'm getting better, and am getting to understand just what a pinch, a bit and a dusting actually means.

I love food, and our relationship continues to grow stronger. Now I'm off to devour my fatty pork. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm