Friday, July 25, 2008

Another Personality

So I have another personality. In my last pregnancy, she came late. I expected to be all emotional and creepy right away, but I wasn't. One day, I was listening to a song called "Feel The Rain on Your Skin" on the radio, and I heard these lyrics "I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefinedI'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplannedStaring at the blank page before you", and I thought - that's what this baby is... a blank page, of a new book. Queue water works. I call her "Cry baby fatty pants". She both cries and wears fat pants. Size 16 to be exact. Neither are very pretty.

I've definitely been more emotional lately. Lots going on in life and with baby on the way, I just feel more vulnerable and susceptible to the blues. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just feel, nostalgic and hopeful for the future, whatever it may be. Tears flow easily for me, and these days I am feeling more touched by the magic of the world. Songs and music mean more, words and actions mean more, and kindness means so much more. Last night I went to bed with my little girl and all she did for 1/2 an hour was tell me she loved me, said good night to the baby and said good night to me, over and over and over. She snuggled close to me and smushed her sweet little face into the side of my body. We held hands, and I felt so very very in love with her. The baby moved too, slowly snuggling in for the night in my womb. Magic.

Then this morning, I woke up in a fit as I had forgotten to set my alarm clock. Ava cried because she didn't want to wear her sweater, didn't want to get out of bed, wanted me to hold her while I had to get things ready for her, cried when I took her out to the van, cried when her rubber boots fell off, cried when the sun got in her eyes, I left the kitchen in a hurricane of a mess, was late and had to drop off my sister first, spilled coffee in the van, hit traffic on the way into the office and well... poof, just like that, everything was back to normal.

Then, because I had heard it on the drive, I looked up the lyrics to a song. And then, the tears flowed down my cheeks again.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe"

Our lives are complicated messes, with an incredible number of combinations and permutations of what can happen to us, what we are going through - things we can identify with, things we cannot. But for a brief, brief second ... to be lost in the internet shuffle of the internet, I will let you in on a little secret. I dream with a broken heart. And waking up... is the hardest part.

No matter what I am feeling though, and no matter what I'm going through - I pull it all together because in my life, exists not just one person. I cannot focus on just me. And so, I pull it all together, suck it all up inside of me... and take care of what must be taken care of. Dear God, I love her. I love her more than anything in this beautiful world.

But I do dream with a broken heart. I do. And every single morning... waking up is the hardest part. That's the only time, I let myself, be me. And then I become the greatest role in life "Mommy".

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Pregnancy = Multiple Personalities

It's true, I need to get my ass in gear. Today is Wednesday already, and I'm seriously planning to spend from Thursday on playing Mahjongg and mastering the scoring for at least two weeks.

I know what you're thinking... where are my priorities right? Well, hello, if you've forgotten, I'm 4 months pregnant. Lately, I've been feeling a little off. A lot off actually. When I'm 'unpregnant', I am a selfless, happy, calm and peaceful human being (when not being agitated by my husband). I like to cook and clean and read.

In my last pregnancy, I was able to hold in my other personalities, but in this one, I have almost zero control. Or maybe I'm just giving in to my misgivings.

I've been thinking about all the mom's that don't want pregnancy to change them. The ones who work out like crazy, eat healthy food, and read every pregnancy known to man. Well, I've read all the pregnancy books. I'm too tired to even take a bath much less work out, and forget healthy food - this is a time to eat as I feel.

There are few times in a woman's life when it is magical. When you first fall in love. First kiss. When you get married, and when you're pregnant. Sure the first time feels like a dream, but so does the second time. I'm just not as crazy about the pregnancy and obsessed with raising a prodigy infant. I'm more worried aobut spending time with my toddler, making sure she is fed, making sure she is prepared, and getting in a lot of TV time. Dont' get me wrong, I love to read, and reading to me is pleasure. But my brain right now, is on ADD mode, and I cannot even read an article in a magazine without getting zoning out. I blame this on my 'horny horny teenage boy' personality. No, I'm not attracted to women - I'm insanely attracted to men. Especially the kind with bulgy muscles, and sweaty skin, preferrably topless. The kind that can literally pick me up without effort. I want to be physically carried around. 'horny horny teenage boy' (henceforth HHTB) is also completely facinated (and a little worried, let's not lie) about the massive and continued growth of breasts. Also facinating is how, in very pregnant state, men and women oogle them as if they actually belonged to me... which they don't. My current bra could be fashioned into a large hat for my toddler. Both cups can be used to encase her entire head (and she's got a 75th percentile sized head for those of you keeping score).

HHTB is lazy as fuck. All he wants to do is plant his fat ass on the sofa, eat chips and watch tv until he cannot keep his eyes open. Too bad 2 year toddler is around or HHTB might just occupy my everyday.

'big fat angry bitch from hell' (henceforth BFABFH) is no walk in the park either. True, she's a staple in my life, only brought out when irriated beyond what any normal human being can handle. However, she is a common personality that exists when in very pregnant state. Easily irritable, BBFABFH is also insane. Believes she has superpowers and has been known to get into physical fights in public with strangers. "How dare you cut me off in traffic and endanger the life of my unborn child". "YOU have the nerve to call ME irresponsible in the costco parking lot when you don't even know how to DRIVE?" Unfortunately, BFABFH makes it so that I am not allowed to go anywhere alone, as I have been in altercations that have found me running from the law.

The personality that surprises me the most is 'girl who eats salad' (henceforth GWES). I can say with all honesty that I never eat salad. I think it looks gross and tastes gross. And unless it is covered it fatty fat fat sauce, layered with chicken and has more calories than a greasy burger with cheese, I won't even CONSIDER IT. Yet imagine my surprise when GWES orders a healthy fresh salad and I fucking enjoy it. The crisp coolness of lettuce. The fruit, the dates, the easy dressing. Almost makes me want to cry! GWES hates steak and meat and fish and all the goodness that unpregnant me loves. I'm sad and pitying myself just THINKING about it.

It's days like today, when I can't find where my ass ends, where I can't see my toes standing up, and I can barely reach over to pick up 2 bags to bring to the sitters that I think... honor yourself. I'll go back to being who I am... but for the cycle and phase that I am in now, I just need to relax and honor what I'm going through. The growing, nurturing, resting, and creation of life. It moves in my belly, reminding me that it is there. It's spirit ever present. When my little girl fell asleep on my belly last night, the baby pushed against it as if to say "don't forget I'm here too"! We try so hard to be what we're not, to please people we don't really care about. Because the ones that actually give a shit about us, our well being and what we are doing, don't care about HHTB. They don't care about BFABFH. They don't care about GWES (okay, they do, but only at BBQ's where it is not okay to serve gazpacho - ice cold tomato soup). They let you be the way you are, and love you despite the crazies that have taken over and inhabited your body.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I need to get my fucking ass in gear.

I can be the world's biggest procrastinator, but now that I am pregnant, I am just plain freaking lazy.

Organization is the key to any task, and I am not organized. I mean, I think about it, I dream about it, sometimes I even lie awake at night contemplating how to get organized, but the reality remains... I need to get organized.

Ava starts summer day camp next week. And after 4 weeks of that, my little girl, will be 2.75 years old and will be starting pre-school. PRE-SCHOOL.

I wouldn't put her in school if she wasn't ready. But this amazing little person is totally and completely ready. She has an imagination that puts mine to shame. She can identify her own name. She knows so many nursery rhymes and has memorized most of her books. And their not easy books either. But by far, the biggest sign she is ready? She's the kindest friend, completely socialized and knows that 'sharing is caring'. I know that when we drop her off her first day of pre-school, she will give me a hug, a kiss, say "I love you mommy" and promptly say good-bye. The only tears to be shed will be my own.

I vow, that by the day she starts pre-school, I will be utterly and completely organized.

Today is Day 1 of Week 1. Planning the weeks. Meals, groceries, what food we have, trips and events. Chores, etc. The planning begins today.

Friday, July 04, 2008

I Hate The World Today

You're so good to me, I know but I can't change.

Well, I need more sleep... but most of the nausea is gone, but I'm easily grossed out by smells, slimey sights and talk of vomit. Don't ask me about the latter.

I'm so tired these days, I can't think straight or see straight, and I forget my vitamins. I'm definitely not as careful and consistent as with the first. In fact, I haven't even really taken any belly pictures. Mostly because at 14 weeks, I'm pretty embarassed that I'm so big already!

If I put it all into perspective, of course, it is easy to be thankful for my many many blessings. But I'm still in that, don't care about anyone but myself state.

Ava is ill with thrush and an unexplainably high fever. No rest for the wicked!