Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Pregnancy = Multiple Personalities

It's true, I need to get my ass in gear. Today is Wednesday already, and I'm seriously planning to spend from Thursday on playing Mahjongg and mastering the scoring for at least two weeks.

I know what you're thinking... where are my priorities right? Well, hello, if you've forgotten, I'm 4 months pregnant. Lately, I've been feeling a little off. A lot off actually. When I'm 'unpregnant', I am a selfless, happy, calm and peaceful human being (when not being agitated by my husband). I like to cook and clean and read.

In my last pregnancy, I was able to hold in my other personalities, but in this one, I have almost zero control. Or maybe I'm just giving in to my misgivings.

I've been thinking about all the mom's that don't want pregnancy to change them. The ones who work out like crazy, eat healthy food, and read every pregnancy known to man. Well, I've read all the pregnancy books. I'm too tired to even take a bath much less work out, and forget healthy food - this is a time to eat as I feel.

There are few times in a woman's life when it is magical. When you first fall in love. First kiss. When you get married, and when you're pregnant. Sure the first time feels like a dream, but so does the second time. I'm just not as crazy about the pregnancy and obsessed with raising a prodigy infant. I'm more worried aobut spending time with my toddler, making sure she is fed, making sure she is prepared, and getting in a lot of TV time. Dont' get me wrong, I love to read, and reading to me is pleasure. But my brain right now, is on ADD mode, and I cannot even read an article in a magazine without getting zoning out. I blame this on my 'horny horny teenage boy' personality. No, I'm not attracted to women - I'm insanely attracted to men. Especially the kind with bulgy muscles, and sweaty skin, preferrably topless. The kind that can literally pick me up without effort. I want to be physically carried around. 'horny horny teenage boy' (henceforth HHTB) is also completely facinated (and a little worried, let's not lie) about the massive and continued growth of breasts. Also facinating is how, in very pregnant state, men and women oogle them as if they actually belonged to me... which they don't. My current bra could be fashioned into a large hat for my toddler. Both cups can be used to encase her entire head (and she's got a 75th percentile sized head for those of you keeping score).

HHTB is lazy as fuck. All he wants to do is plant his fat ass on the sofa, eat chips and watch tv until he cannot keep his eyes open. Too bad 2 year toddler is around or HHTB might just occupy my everyday.

'big fat angry bitch from hell' (henceforth BFABFH) is no walk in the park either. True, she's a staple in my life, only brought out when irriated beyond what any normal human being can handle. However, she is a common personality that exists when in very pregnant state. Easily irritable, BBFABFH is also insane. Believes she has superpowers and has been known to get into physical fights in public with strangers. "How dare you cut me off in traffic and endanger the life of my unborn child". "YOU have the nerve to call ME irresponsible in the costco parking lot when you don't even know how to DRIVE?" Unfortunately, BFABFH makes it so that I am not allowed to go anywhere alone, as I have been in altercations that have found me running from the law.

The personality that surprises me the most is 'girl who eats salad' (henceforth GWES). I can say with all honesty that I never eat salad. I think it looks gross and tastes gross. And unless it is covered it fatty fat fat sauce, layered with chicken and has more calories than a greasy burger with cheese, I won't even CONSIDER IT. Yet imagine my surprise when GWES orders a healthy fresh salad and I fucking enjoy it. The crisp coolness of lettuce. The fruit, the dates, the easy dressing. Almost makes me want to cry! GWES hates steak and meat and fish and all the goodness that unpregnant me loves. I'm sad and pitying myself just THINKING about it.

It's days like today, when I can't find where my ass ends, where I can't see my toes standing up, and I can barely reach over to pick up 2 bags to bring to the sitters that I think... honor yourself. I'll go back to being who I am... but for the cycle and phase that I am in now, I just need to relax and honor what I'm going through. The growing, nurturing, resting, and creation of life. It moves in my belly, reminding me that it is there. It's spirit ever present. When my little girl fell asleep on my belly last night, the baby pushed against it as if to say "don't forget I'm here too"! We try so hard to be what we're not, to please people we don't really care about. Because the ones that actually give a shit about us, our well being and what we are doing, don't care about HHTB. They don't care about BFABFH. They don't care about GWES (okay, they do, but only at BBQ's where it is not okay to serve gazpacho - ice cold tomato soup). They let you be the way you are, and love you despite the crazies that have taken over and inhabited your body.

No comments: