Friday, June 06, 2008

I can't handle my life right now

There is so much we take for granted, and one of the biggest things is our ability to do things. And by that, I mean, our health.

How thankful we should be everyday that we can get up in the morning, use our hands and feet, and legs. To have energy and vision to drive and work and play. The use of fingers to chop up vegetables, to cook and to be able to eat on our own. To bathe. And not just for ourselves, but to help others around us.

Me, I've been a lonesome dove these last 4 weeks. And I can say with honesty that they have been the most brutal and painful days in my life.

When I broke up with my ex, I felt sick, I was anxious and I stayed up all hours of the morning smoking cigarettes and crying. I still went to work, sometimes with tears and felt sorry for myself all day long. I couldn't eat. But I kept busy, and I kept going. I helped others and forgot about myself.

Being pregnant is a whole other story. The onslaught of discomfort is not of your choosing. You can't eat simply because you want to throw it right up. Things smell bad all the time, and I cannot even look at the inside of my fridge without my insides wanting to come out. I have to wake up at 5am to make meals for my little girl, and there have been a few days in the last 4 weeks that I have sent her to the sitters with a frozen meat pie. That is something my non-motherly husband would do. But not me! And my house? It looks like a bomb went off and toys went spewing. Of course, it is only hurricane Ava! Who just cannot seem to put toys away by herself. I am helpless on the sofa because I am so completely exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open. Even in my hardcore partying days, I could manage the strength and power to keep things tidy.

But these days, it seems I can't get enough sleep. Even when I take a 4 hour nap, I can still sleep at 9pm... and still be tired when I wake up.

My patience is thin with the little one, and unfortunately, I couldn't seem to soothe Ava last night when she woke up with nightmares. When I called for my husband to do it, he gave me excuses instead as to why it was happening. Just take her, I'm tired. I'm tired too, he retorted. But YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT LIKE ME is what I wanted to scream in his face. Plus my blood pressure is very low, and I'm anemic. Why do I need to even explain? why, why, WHY??

So I finally was able to sleep in peace, but mommy guilt came up to keep me awake, of course... but sheer exhaustion kept me from regular pregnancy insomnia.

That being said, I would go through this 100 times if it meant that the baby was healthy and safe. I know that there are some sacrifices in life, and this is one of them. And after it is all said and done, I will do it again (God willing).

I wish my mom was here. She takes care of me like only a mom can. Food,

I can't WAIT till I have energy again, to feel better, to give a shit about everything, including my appearance, the house, my relationship with people, etc. Because right now, I don't give a crap about anything except - getting rest.

I want to be a good person, but right now, I am completely incapable.

No comments: